please let me pee in peace!

A mother’s love is unconditional but please let me pee in peace!

I remember those days well. A young toddler at my feet staring up at me as I sat on the throne. I used to shut the door but the constant crying on the other side put me off. I quickly learnt to flash pee. It’s easier for a woman, at least I didn’t have to bat hands away trying to catch the stream.

My kids are older now so I can shut the door, but they still hammer on it, asking how long I am going to be. That’s the problem with only having one and a half toilets for a family of five. I say one and a half, as the other one is a saniflow style, but it is very temperamental and growls when you flush it, which terrifies the kids. We’re not allowed to poop in it. Solids suffocate the macerator apparently, so I told them a monster lives in the pipes!

That’s not the first time I’ve traumatised them with a poorly thought out joke. We bought one of those singing reindeer heads at Christmas and hung it on the wall. I told them Dad had run over Rudolph. They didn’t find it funny.

I’m always making mistakes as a mum. My children were dreading World Book Day. In the past I have sent them in costume on the wrong day, on more than one occasion! Marcus still vividly remembers turning up a day early for a Where’s Wally event in complete outfit. Against a sea of blue school jumpers he was quite easy to spot. They take their outfits in their bags now, just in case I have got it wrong!

But no matter how badly I think I’ve played the mum role, my kids still love me. Okay our lives aren’t this idealised version I have in my head. You know the one; rosy faced children, cheerfully stretching in the morning, eating their breakfast quickly and putting their bowls in the sink, dressed, shoes on, bags packed and ready for the school run in plenty of time to have a lovely, relaxing stroll in.

In our house, Mummy monster appears. I try to keep her in but the begging and pleading to get up and dressed, fighting over the cereal, lost shoe, coat, school bag, keys (that last one is me!), then dragging them up the road racing against the school bell, really wears me down. There are a gaggle of us fraught looking mums and teary eyed kids sprinting for the school gate most mornings. So I know I’m not alone.

No matter how badly the start has gone though, none of my kids will walk away across that playground without first giving me a hug and a kiss. We have a strong bond. They know I love them fiercely, unconditionally, passionately and fortunately they are very forgiving. There is nothing more rewarding than a loving cuddle from your child. Or that look in their faces when they see you at the end of the school day waiting for them in the playground. That is what being a mum is all about. Well, that and enthusiastically applauding the cardboard and plastic recycled sculpture of ‘mummy in space’ as a Mother’s Day gift!

To Mum’s Everywhere – Have a wonderful day whatever you are doing and children if mummy is having a relaxing moment in the bath, please do not wake her up by pouring cold water on her belly to activate your darth vadar flashing duck!

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